


cadets commit g3nocide

by erenjaegersfakeleginjury



Series: aot chatfics asf [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Arson, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, F/F, F/M, M/M, Texting, except connie, occasionally, sobs, texting au, theyre all gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:33:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29482260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erenjaegersfakeleginjury/pseuds/erenjaegersfakeleginjury
Summary: ikik im sw4g asf for this
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager, Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith, Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, Mikasa Ackerman/Annie Leonhart, Moblit Berner/Hange Zoë, Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Series: aot chatfics asf [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2166186
Comments: 38
Kudos: 129





	1. hate on connie 847

KEITH SHADIS has added EREN JAEGER, MIKASA ACKERMAN, ARMIN ARLERT, JEAN KIRSTEIN and 58 more to 104th CADET CORPS

SHADIS: Welcome to the 104th Cadet Corps bitches. This chat is to be used ONLY for emergencies and if you have no other way of communicating. 

JAEGER: lol what

SPRINGER: ohhhh so that's what these weird things you gave out are for. 

BLOUSE: wait so… these aren’t edible??

SHADIS: emergencies only smh

SPRINGER: but what else are we supposed to do. this is fucking boot camp.

JAEGER: uh maybe train to kill titans

KIRSTEIN: no lol i just wanna good life in the interior

JAEGER: oh fuck off horseface

EREN JAEGER changed JEAN KIRSTEIN’S name

horse bitch: jaeger i will kill you

horse bitch: actually no i’ll let the titans take care of that

JAEGER: TITANS???? WHERE? 

SHADIS: oh whatever fuck it

KEITH SHADIS left the conversation

BLOUSE: well that’s one way to take care of it

HOOVER: PLEASE SASHA AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE DOING LAPS

BLOUSE: multitasking 😩

SPRINGER: quorkay

ACKERMAN: no

MIKASA ACKERMAN left the conversation

JAEGER: nice try shawty

EREN JAEGER added MIKASA ACKERMAN to the conversation

ACKERMAN: why  
ACKERMAN: oh em gee did you call me shawty 😍

horse bitch: sips tea

JAEGER: yeah but im gay so it cancels out 🙄

ARLERT: eren you're bi

JAEGER: oh yeah  
JAEGER: ok fine then i'm dating a guy so it cancels out 🙄

HOOVER: wait wh

BLOUSE: you never told me  
BLOUSE: hart break 💔

JAEGER: we’ve,,, literally known each other for a few hours

SPRINGER: long enough to form a bond that can never be broken 😧

horse bitch: no bc who are you dating

JAEGER: what you jealous??

horse bitch: what would i be jealous of?? your mommy issues?

BLOUSE: PLEASEFKJOHSG

SPRINGER: IDK WHETHER TO LAUGH OR FEEL BAD IM-

JAEGER: bursts into tears dramatically as i kill you all cutely

ARLERT: top 10 anime betrayals 💔

JAEGER: not you you can stay

ARLERT: smirks

BRAUN: well i think we figured out who erens dating

JAEGER: wow reiner you're so smart 😐

BLOUSE: friends to lovers, 250K, light angst, porn with plot

ACKERMAN: no bc i know i didn't just see porn with plot

BLOUSE: i said what i said

ARLERT: i mean i'm not complaining 😏

JAEGER: ^

WAGNER: PLEASE

YMIR: y’all i just took the fattest shit

JAEGER: damn okay that ruined the mood

ACKERMAN: why tf does not ymir have her last name on here

YMIR: bc i'm hot next question

LENZ: can't argue w that

SPRINGER: gay

YMIR: yes

ACKERMAN: aren't we all

SPRINGER: whatdhesayyyy

BODT: i'm pretty sure we all are yes

SPRINGER: i'm not 😩

JAEGER: ew a c*shet /j

YMIR: ^

BLOUSE: connie,,, i can't believe you’d betray me in this way /lh

horse face: cutely exterminates you /j

SPRINGER: #brocken #emo #depreshunn #gachalife

JAEGER: hc that you're saying that unironically 

SPRINGER: WHAT NOOOWFEWEFIUG

ARLERT: conspiracy theory asf

SPRINGER: PLEASE I DON'T

YMIR: stfu caillou kinnie

SPRINGER: wh

YMIR changed SPRINGERS name

caillou kinnie: sobs

ARLERT: good

caillou kinnie: the slander is unreal

JAEGER: and deserved

caillou kinnie: i didn't ask to be c*shet 💔

horse bitch: shawtybae youre literally built like fucking aang combined with a flamingo did you really expect no slander

BODT: PLEASEW WHERED THE FLAMINGO COME FROM

horse bitch: my superior intellectualness

JAEGER: right…

ARLERT: eren you can't be talking you literally messed up your own sexuality

JAEGER: forgive and forget

ACKERMAN: never

BLOUSE: yall im tired as fuck

JAEGER: damn i wonder why… could it be cause youve been fucking running for hours straight

BLOUSE: possibly, yes  
BLOUSE: im hungry asf

LENZ: i'll bring you some food later dw shawty

BLOUSE: suddenly falls in love w you

YMIR: back off potato bitch

BLOUSE: threesome??

LENZ: i'll take it under consideration

YMIR: this is my villain origin backstory hbu?

JAEGER: mine was my mom getting eaten el em ay oh

ARLERT: dating eren

JAEGER: damn okay 💔

ACKERMAN: having to live w eren

JAEGER: wow really feeling the love here guys thanks

ACKERMAN: oh no need to thank me

horse bitch: please why is the food here so bad

BLOUSE: be glad you get food smh

horse bitch: i want a goddamn omelet 😩

JAEGER: jean x omelet, smut, bondage, daddy kink, 100K, hate sex

ARLERT: only 100K… weak

JAEGER: every time i try to forget you always have to indirectly remind me

BODT: of…

JAEGER: bob the builder x reader, 250K

LENZ: IM SORRY WH???^%%^#(^$)*%#^$%&$^*%&$#^$

JAEGER: YOU CAN'T JUST COME UP W THIS SHIT

ARLERT: i have no regrets

ACKERMAN: no but you should

YMIR: you,,, what

JAEGER: IT WAS FUCKING OMEGAVERSE TOO

BRAUN: ok but who was alpha bob or the reader

ARLERT: reader

BRAUN: send the link 😍

YMIR: …  
YMIR: i know you didn't just-

HOOVER: no he did 😪

LEONHART: god i hate you all

BRAUN: love you too shawty 💞

LEONHART: die

JAEGER: oh em gee friendship goals

LEONHART: you next

JAEGER: shudders in stolen high heels

ARLERT: hot

ACKERMAN: so it was you??  
ACKERMAN: youre the one who fucking stole my high heels

JAEGER: yeah it was pls dont kill me

ACKERMAN: eh whatever they'd look better on you anyways

YMIR: we stan a supportive queen 😍💕

LENZ: asf 😩

horse bitch: not many people would support eren,,, thank you for your sacrifice mikasa /lh

JAEGER: slander 😢

horse bitch: that's the point, yes

ARLERT: stop hating on eren he's sensitive smh 

JAEGER: i should be offended but

YMIR: Is it true??

JAEGER: tf no

BRAUN: well

JAEGER: okay yeah no that's fair

YMIR: fucking thought so

LENZ: damn ymir be nice

YMIR: bet anything for you

JAEGER: gay 😩

LENZ: we've established that already

JAEGER: im aware

LEONHART: i can't wait to kill you all

ARLERT: uhh annie??

LEONHART: /hj

ACKERMAN: damn even im scared now

BRAUN: you fucking should be

ACKERMAN: is that a threat

BRAUN: no it's a warning

HOOVER: sobs  
HOOVER: you all terrify me

ACKERMAN: good 😍

JAEGER: anyways ima go stare off into the distance like an angsty main character anyone wanna come

ARLERT: oh em gee date night question mark

JAEGER: blushes  
JAEGER: yes ofc shawt bae

ARLERT: smirks and makes out w you

JAEGER: moans

ARLERT: rips your clothes off

JAEGER: gets hard

ARLERT: throws you a condom

YMIR: no

HOOVER: tf am i witnessing

ACKERMAN: your eternal punishment

LEONHART: take this to pms maybe 😍

ARLERT: it seems our love is forbidden

JAEGER: plays emo and edgy music while pulling on hoodie with cat ears

YMIR: oh em gee chat noir kinnie??

JAEGER: please that man is so fine

ARLERT: damn okay 😕💔

JAEGER: you're hotter dw 

ARLERT: yeah i know 

LEONHART: im lesbian and even i gotta agree chat noirs hot

YMIR: ^ THIS ONE RIGHT HERE

LENZ: sexily gets into fem chat noir cosplay

YMIR: do you,,, actually

LENZ: yes

YMIR: god i love you

ARLERT: what so we cant have sex here but you can do this

LEONHART: armin youre on thin fucking ice

ARLERT: smirks  
ARLERT: i shouldn't be

BLOUSE: what the fuck did i just witness

SPRINGER: ^

JAEGER: shakes ass mysteriously

ACKERMAN: anddd this is where we stop

JAEGER: sobs

LEONHART: i genuinely hate it here 😍

JAEGER: yeah were aware

LEONHART: be more aware then smh

SPRINGER: i just found a huge fucking pile of shit next to my bed  
SPRINGER: which one of you is responsible

YMIR: probably you

SPRINGER: it was you wasn't it

YMIR: no comment

SPRINGER: die /hj

YMIR: i'm good thanks

BODT: alr anyways  
BODT: how bout that weather

BODT:...  
BODT: damn okay  
BODT: betrayal asf  
BODT: you all dead or what

horse bitch: yes

BODT: kay


	2. gay bonding moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ymir and eren bond except not really

bitch boy: eren  
kikcassckerman: mikasa  
ocean x reader: armin  
horse bitch: jean  
colossal dick: bertholdt  
reinah: reiner  
god: ymir  
sexy: krista  
literal angel wtf: marco  
gaynnie: annie  
potential threesome member: sasha  
caillou kinnie: connie

cadets x war crimes 250K

caillou kinnie: PLEASE THESE SNAME IM SOBBING

literal angel wtf: it was ymir wasnt it

god: now what makes you think that

sexy: ymir its pretty obvious bae

god: smh these are all just known facts dont come at me

potential threesome member: wait so you guys are taking my offer upon consideration????

sexy: yeah shawty 😩

potential threesome member: oh em gee honored

god: only bc krista said so

potential threesome member: at least one of you wants me 😍

caillou kinnie: please that kind of sad

potential threesome member: your name is literally caillou kinnie wh

caillou kinnie: dont slander my mans caillou 😤

horse bitch: so you changed everyones names but not mine smh

god: idk i think its fitting 😟😟

bitch boy: thank you ymir  
bitch boy: wait

kickassckerman: PLEASE THE DELAYED REACTION

bitch boy: hart brake 💔💔

sexy: hart: brocken  
sexy: ereh: deprecd

bitch boy: i hate it here

god: what you need us to get your mom to come comfort you

caillou kinnie: OUTTA POCKET NO

ocean x reader: PLEASE WH

bitch boy: who even got the idea to start slandering my mom 💔

potential threesome member: well definetly not your mom

sexy: SASHA PLS

bitch boy: say one more thing and youll end up like my mom

ocean x reader: PLEASSE

caillou kinnie: carla was a g may she rest in piece 😤😈

bitch boy: more like pieces 😍

ocean x reader: STOP THE CARLA SLANDER PLS

kickassckerman: i dunno whether to laugh or cry

bitch boy: both  
bitch boy: laugh of the pain hahahahahahahah,,,

god: damn i should feel bad but

bitch boy: sobs

god: wow youre so sensitive

bitch boy: ymir you do realize i dont have toxic masculinity so it doesnt fucking offend me lol

god: wow congrats on doing the bare minimum 😍

gaynnie: ymir wtf

god: its accurate dont come at me

gaynnie: howd you even fucking knoww

god: do not question god

kickassckerman: wait annie realluy  
kickasskerman: smirks

gaynnie: no

kickassckerman: top 10 anime betrayals 

bitch boy: sad bart edits 💔💔💔😪😪😪😢😢😢

ocean x reader: im breaking up w you /j

bitch boy: shawty no dont leave me :(((((

ocean x reader: hmmm fine ill stay 

bitch boy: oh okay asf !!

ocean x reader: ,,, i regret my decision

bitch boy: wow okay 😪

god: honestly armin at this point just throw the whole boyfriend out

kickassckerman: gay on gay crime smh

colossal dick: wh wait ymir  
colossal dick: whats up w my name haha

reinah: oh shiiii

god: idk dude you give off big dick energy dont come at me

colossal dick: damn i feel appreciated

reinah: no bc ymir speaking facts

horse bitch: gay

reinah: we established that on the first day john

horse bitch: pLS ITS JEAN

reinah: no  
reinah: its john now

god changed horse bitches name

john: wh

god: its what you get for having a fucking j name 

bitch boy: wow john smh how could you 🙄🙄

sexy: im so dissapointed in you john

literal angel wtf: yeah john i thought i loved you 😢

john: wait really

god: snorts

sexy: manners ymir 😨

god: laughs quietly behind hand

bitch boy: whipped asf

god: no bc ik you didnt just

bitch boy: oh i did

god: square up bitch boy

bitch boy: wh no im not fighting you i dont wanna get my ass kicked

gaynnie: i mean at least hes being realistic

god: wow i did not expect that 

bitch boy: pls its true 💔💔

god: okok you got that inferiority complex i see you

bitch boy: are we not gonna talk about your god complex then,,,

god: i cant even try to deny that

sexy: ymir is the next kurapika i guess 

god: akaku motherfuckers

ocean x reader: literally akaku tho 🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐

bitch boy: is this a sign to get a kurapika cosplay

ocean x reader: …  
ocean x reader: yes

bitch boy: no bc i will

ocean x reader: no bc please do

god: wh

bitch boy: ymir you and kristas fem chat noir cosplay cant be fucking talking

god: fair fair

kickassckerman: annie,,, this could be us 💕💕

gaynnie: no

kickassckerman: wow hart brake 💔

bitch boy: reminds me of my moms fucking car and how it just refused to brake and every time we tried to brake it wouldnt so we had to slow down before parking every fucking time,,, it was ugly too

kickassckerman: PLEASE THAT SHIT PISSED ME OFF

god: throw the whole car away i guess

bitch boy: oh we dont use it anymore  
bitch boy: bc you know mom doesnt really need it atm 😍

literal angel wtf: oh-

god: rip carla u was a real one 😤😤

bitch boy: yeah 😔 #dhmu #brocken #sadbartedits #onlytherealonesknow

god: and this is where i stop feeling bad

bitch boy: aww ymir you felt bad 😍

sexy: pls ymir you walked straight into that one

god: ill let you have this one 

bitch boy: yk what ill take it

potential threesome member: awwh gay bonding moment

god: bitch youre gay too get tf over here??//??/??

potential threesome member: only bc you asked so nicely shawty  
potential threesome member: and im bi but yk what it works

bitch boy: im  
bitch boy: literally bi too

potential threesome member: oh em gee twinsies asf !!  
potential threesome member: wait i alr knew that

god: damn you are a fucking idiot

sexy: ymir that is no way to talk to our potential girlfriend

potential threesome member: pls are you still thinking over it

god: krista is, yes

sexy: we both are, yes**

god: okay fine yeah

bitch boy: i cant tell if ymirs just whipped asf or if shes admitting that shes considering it

ocean x reader: literally

god: whipped?? please

bitch boy: well

god: says the bitch who gave armin all your food yesterday

bitch boy: he said he needed more to be able to like have energy and shit

ocean x reader: no eren,,, i just wanted more food

god: oh-

bitch boy: hot 

ocean x reader: im aware

god: behind the whole light yagami kinnie persona,,, this is the true armin

ocean x reader: PLEASEOUHRG

bitch boy: please thats apart of the light yagami kinnie side of him

ocean x reader: why you all so convinced i kin light smh

sexy: …

ocean x reader: actually yk what thats fair

john: i come back and now armins a light kinnie

kickassckerman: wym hes always been

ocean x armin: damn okay 💔

john: dont you have an inferiority complex or??

ocean x armin: no thats eren  
ocean x armin: im the one w the superiority complex

kickassckerman: ^ it seems the other way around but,,, yeah

bitch boy: wow okay didnt have to call me out like that

john: yeah no yk what i can see it

bitch boy: sobs and pees everywhere

god: ok you got a piss kink i see you

bitch boy: WAIT NO

sexy: i mean i dont normally kinkshame buttt

bitch boy: I DON THAVE A FUCKING PISS KINK

ocean x reader: id break up w you if you did tbh

bitch boy: I DONT

ocean x reader: hmmmmm

bitch boy: I SWEAR  
bitch boy: ARMIN PLS

ocean x reader: HMMMM

bitch boy: nO 

ocean x reader: kay

bitch boy: exhales in relief

reinah: did i just witness an almost breakup

bitch boy: i fucking hope not

ocean x reader: only time will tell

reinah: kinda ominous but okay !!

bitch boy: oh fuck shadis is at it again

god: yeah tf does this mf want

ocean x reader: alr bye asf shawtys ill see you if i make it out fucking alive

bitch boy: please make it out alive

ocean x reader: okok asf

sexy: see you besty 😍

gaynnie: yeah bye i guess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eren in this is extremely ooc but alr


	3. doc mcstuffins kinnies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> anyways

bitch boy: eren  
kikcassckerman: mikasa  
ocean x reader: armin  
horse bitch: jean  
colossal dick: bertholdt  
reinah: reiner  
god: ymir  
sexy: krista  
literal angel wtf: marco  
gaynnie: annie  
potential threesome member: sasha  
caillou kinnie: connie

bitch boy: no bc i genuinely do kin doc mcstuffins

kickassckerman: eren wh-

bitch boy: FUCK THAT WAS MEANT FOR ARMIN

ocean x reader: why were you planning ons ending me that,,

bitch boy: just thought you should know

potential threesome member: PLS YOU KIN THAT BITCH WHO LIKE CURED HER STUFFED ANIMALS OR SMTH

bitch boy: smh yeah

horse bitch: im using that for bm

bitch boy: its not bm if everyone knows 😍😍

god: so youre like,,, not embarassed,,, at all

bitch boy: a little but ill be fine

god: damn respect but like  
god: why????%$&(^*%

bitch boy: you cant control who you kin wow ymir smh do better

sexy: yeah ymir

god: oh wow okay so you guys are ganging up on me now 😰😰

bitch boy: im sorry please dont hurt me

ocean x reader: PLS 

god: IM SOBBING WHOWUEFH

bitch boy: no bc you would

god: you right i would

caillou kinnie: yall go the fuck to sleep

ocean x reader: i dont consent to that

bitch boy: armin its like,,, 4 am

ocean x reader: eren you dont sleep at all let me have this

bitch boy: yeah thats fair

kickassckerman: sleeping is for the weak smh

sexy: no no you guys need sleep rn

caillou kinnie: ^

bitch boy: no lol

ocean x reader: ymir tell them i dont need sleep

god: you dont need sleep,,,

ocean x reader: see since ymir is god her word is law therefore i dont need sleep

sexy: ymir tell him to sleep

god: i take back my previous statement go the fuck to sleep

bitch boy: wow slander

god: my word is law apparently so youve gotta sleep

ocean x reader: yeah well i take that back then

god: you cant do that

ocean x reader: but you did

sexy: yeah but ymirs god so she can

god: yes thank you

sexy: now you bitches gotta sleep

ocean x reader: no u

sexy: i dont have to bc ymir didnt say i had to

god: yeah

ocean x reader: smh wow im dissapointed

caillou kinnie: can you guys just fucking sleep please goddamn

bitch boy: connie,,, you do realize,,, you can turn your notification off,,

caillou kinnie: oh shit yeah

god: fucking dumbass

sexy: no wonder youre c*shet /lh

caillou kinnie: wow slander 😕😕

god: i see nothing but facts 😰

bitch boy: please why am i convinced that emoji would be slimy

god: wh  
god: what

bitch boy: especially this one 😨  
bitch boy: like it looks slippery

ocean x reader: nono youre right it does

bitch boy: yeah like??

god: i guess??

bitch boy: its kinda scarye tbh

god: pussy

bitch boy: youre the one who likes pussy not me 😕😕

ocean x reader: eren,,, youre bi

bitch boy: fuck i keep on forgetting  
bitch boy: well you like only pussy and i prefer dick so ha

god: eren you sound so dumb rn

bitch boy: yeah i know

kickassckerman: at this point just go sleep

sexy: pls i thought you alr left

kickassckerman: i was replaying some,,, scenarios in my head @gaynnie

gaynnie: no

bitch boy: PLS

kickassckerman: wow pain

god: id laugh at you btu i want you guys to get together so bad

gaynnie: why the fuck

god: because

gaynnie: valid

god: so??

gaynnie: still no

kickassckerman: i feel so,,, betrayed

gaynnie: youre literally sitting right next to me youre laughing your ass off tf??

bitch boy: oh-

kickassckerman: smh annie you couldve let me have my moment

god: okay coming in w that victim complex 

kickassckerman: okay ‘god’

god: take away the quotation marks lol

ocean x reader: can we get back to the fact that eren kins fucking doc mcstuffins pls

bitch boy: no

sexy: absolutely

bitch boy: hart braek

god: braek

bitch boy: you say that like your spelling is perfecg

god: …  
god: perfecg

bitch boy: sobs everywhere

god: give the tears to armin

ocean x reader: ^ i might need them for a ritual sometime

bitch boy: i thought you stopped those fucking rituals 💔

ocean x reader: please i could mnever  
ocean x reader: they keep me sane

bitch boy: no they make you fucking insane-

ocean x reader: lets just,,, overlook that small detail

bitch boy: armin no-

ocean x reader: stfu eren

bitch boy: yeah okay that works too

god: fucking whipped

bitch boy: …

sexy: ymir-

god: i never said i wasnt smh

bitch boy: i mean atleast you finally admit it 😕😕

god: when did i not

bitch boy: yesterday

god: okay i get it you fucking keep track of erverything

bitch boy: yeah no bc,,, i have a google docs,,, of everything you say,,, for bm

god: wh   
god: what

bitch boy: /srs

god: the fuck eren 😀

bitch boy: dw i do it for everyone

ocean x reader: eren what

bitch boy: not you armin i could never

ocean x reader: kay then im fine w it

sexy: eren that is fucking weird but effective

bitch boy: its extremely effective

ocean x reader: so like every time someone says smth you just,,,

bitch boy: nono like something bm worthy

sexy: ohhh pls that makes more sense

bitch boy: did you really think i wrote everything down

sexy: i mean you didnt specify-

bitch boy: id give up on that after like 10 minutes

god: didnt peg you for someoem thatd give up 😍

bitch boy: i would if its shit like that

god: fair??

bitch boy: you dont sound too,,, certain

god: im still confused why you have a fucking google doc

bitch boy: because its effective next question

god: okay yeah i think im gonna sleep now lol

sexy: ^ anything to get out of this conversation

ocean x armin: pls its not even that bad

god: i dont wanna fuck up and say smth thatll end up in the doc so

bitch boy: smirks

sexy: night whores

ocean x reader: night i guess 😕😕

god: night 😩

ocean x reader: okay yeah eren go sleep too

bitch boy: no lol

ocean x reader: ill sleep if you do

bitch boy: fine  
bitch boy: night armin

ocean x armin: night eren

reinah: what the fuck did i wake up to

colossal dick: ^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so fucking rushed pls


	4. sexy discord server

HEY HI SORRY THIS ISNT A CHAPTER AHH ILL HAVE A CHAPTER EITHER TONIGHT OR TOMMOROW NIGHT I PROMISE BUT HERES A DISCORD SERVER

https://discord.gg/xDFZtDxP

JOIN IT PLS I NEED VALIDATION

I PROMOTED IT ON MY OTHER CHATFIC BUT LIKE THIS ONES MORE POPULAR I THINK?? IM NOT SURE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> join it rn /threat


	5. and you act like a bakah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its only 2 am but like im tired asf dhmu

bitch boy: eren  
kikcassckerman: mikasa  
ocean x reader: armin  
horse bitch: jean  
colossal dick: bertholdt  
reinah: reiner  
god: ymir  
sexy: krista  
literal angel wtf: marco  
gaynnie: annie  
potential threesome member: sasha  
caillou kinnie: connie

god: no bc why dont any of the other cadets use this i feel slandrd 💔

bitch boy: yeah sliterally just you and i having a conversation and krista and armin showing up occasionally

horse bitch: this is jean erasure

bitch boy: okay john

horse bitch: no 😕😕

god: what happened to oyur name anyways

bitch boy: i mean its acurat rn but like,,, 

horse bitch: i dunno who changed it smh my head

literal angel wtf: it was me  
literal angel wtf: appreciate me

horse bitch: oh em gee bestie goals

literal angel wtf: jean,, im gay for you

horse bitch: oh hot

bitch boy: ,,, john**

ocean x reader: smh eren stop interruptiong their gayiety moment

bitch boy: sorry shawt

ocean x reader: i forgive you asf 

god: gayitynessing

sexy: i dunno wtf that means but you go bae 💕💕

god: whoa support

potential threesome member: ugh couple goals

sexy: we still considering dw shawty 😩😩

potential threesome member: you been considering for a while 😕😕

god: considers  
god: considers x 2

potential threesome member: consider faster wtf

god: okay wow the audacity 

bitch boy: ugh gay 🙄🙄

ocean x reader: ugh the way you get a boner when i get too close to you 🙄🙄

bitch boy: i never said i wastt gay ott 🙄🙄

god: ott

bitch boy: arent you the one who said you were

whipped

god: tf no

bitch boy: looks at docs  
bitch boy: looks at you

god: oh fuck no

bitch boy: hmmmmm

caillou kinnie: help that lowkey terrifies me

john: same wtf  
john: okay who-

bitch boy: me

john: course it was

bitch boy: yeah john 😕😕

john: im not even gonna try to correct you at this point

bitch boy: who knew john was smart

john: praise kink mode activated /j

bitch boy: putting that in the docs  
bitch boy: and im excluding the /j

john: wtf thats illegal smh eren do better 😕

armin x reader: wh,, whats illegal

john: i dunno im sleep deprived

god: bitch you werent there at 4 am yesterday

john: just bc im not talking to you bitchasses doesnt mean i dont exist

sexy: okay what slander wtf

john: marcos the exception bc gay

literal angel wtf: oh em gee gayeay

bitch boy: and you act like a bakah 😩

kickassckerman: ONIIII-CHAN 😄😄😄😄😄😄 OMG IM SUCH A BAKAH 😅😅😍😍 NANIIIII?? 

gaynnie: and you wonder why i said no

kickassckerman: SENPAI NOTICED ME 😁😁😁😁😍😍😍😍💕💕💕💕 BAKAH-CHAN 😩😩

bitch boy: mikasa i cant keep defending you

kickassckerman: you dont need to #girlboss 

god: what is mikasa on 😕

kickassckerman: thats the fun part,,, youll never know

sexy: scry smystery 

bitch boy: krista what

sexy: hm  
sexy: dnno

god: shawtybae, loml, the person i masurbate to,,, you okay??

sexy: hot  
sexy: yeah

john: every day my worry for all of you increases

bitch boy: wow john you really do care 💕💕💕

john: not about you bitch boy

bitch boy: ilyt bae 😩🤝

ocean x reader: ,,,

bitch boy: platonically i swear

ocean x reader: it better fucking be

colossal dick: couple goals asf

bitch boy: shawty please why dont you ever say shit

colossal dick: busy

reinah: yeah what he said

god: hm sex

reinah: i mean oyu not wrong

god: im never wrong

bitch boy: you were when you said you wernt whipped

god: fuck you, fuck your google doc, fucking square up bitch boy  
god: and dont pussy out

bitch boy: pussies out sexily and goes to find armin

ocean x reader: ayo dont bring me into this

bitch boy: oh sorry asf !!

god: see im not the one whos

colossal dick: eren dont be shy,,, add bm on yourseldf on the doc

bitch boy: hm maybe  
bitch boy: bc im hot so it cancels out

ocean x reader: yeah youre lucky your hot /lh 

god: kristas sexier

ocean x reader: no ymir,, youre just gay

god: no u

ocean x reader: im aware

reinah: gay group therapy 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😅😅😅😅😅😆😆😆😆😆😊😊😊😂😂😍😍😍😍😍😛😛😛😛😚😚😚😚😚😚💓💓💓💓💓💞💞💞💞👐👐👐👐👐👐💛💛

kickassckerman: those emojis scare the shit outta even me

reinah: 👐👐👐👐👐👐👐👐👐👐👐👐👊👊👊👊👊👊💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💗💗💗💗💗💗😜😜😜😜😜✌✌✌✌✌✌😂😂😂😂😂😂😍😍😍😍😍😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😘😘😘😘😘😎😎😎😎😎

colossal dick: god please now

gaynnie: what did i do wrong to deserve this

bitch boy: pulls up docs  
bitch boy: hmmmm

gaynnie: i dunno what typa bm you have of me but pls dont elaborate

bitch boy: if you say so,, 

reinah: lowkey curious what eren has against me

bitch boy: ‘spank me real hard’

reinah: oh shii

colossal dick: reineer elaborate

reinah: check pms

god: please wh

colossal dick: oh  
colossal dick: oh-

bitch boy: you asked i simply delivred

reinah: then take your delviry back

bitch boy: no refunds

ocean x reader: not evben gonna ask

reinah: smart

bitch boy: i know too much for my own good 😕😕

ocean x reader: idk eren thats kinda hot

bitch boy: moaning dhmu

kickassckerman: annie,,,

gaynnie: no

kickassckerman: kay rejection wow

gaynnie: still no

bitch boy: lowkey wanna write a book with all my bm on you bitches

ocean x reader: eren no-

potential threesome member: ^

kickassckerman: ^^

reinah: ^^^

god: ^^^^

sexy: ^^^^^

caillou kinnie: ^^^^^^

john: ^^^^^^^^

literal angel wtf: ^^^^^^^^^^^^

gaynnie: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

bitch boy: smh itd be a best seller but okay your loss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh hey shawtys moans


	6. arson but reiner edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG AHHA I PROMISE ILL UPDATE MORE OFTEN IN THE FUTURE

bitch boy: eren  
kikcassckerman: mikasa  
ocean x reader: armin  
john: jean  
colossal dick: bertholdt  
reinah: reiner  
god: ymir  
sexy: krista  
literal angel wtf: marco  
gaynnie: annie  
potential threesome member: sasha  
caillou kinnie: connie

cadets x war crimes 250K

potential threesome member: GUYS I JUST COMMITED ARSON WHO DO I FRAME

god: SASHA WHAT

bitch boy: ^ LIKE ALL THE CADETS ARE HERE??? WHY WOULD YOU??

ocean x reader: actually most of them left

bitch boy: wow i feel neglected 😕😕

sexy: they couldnt deal w our sexiness 

potential threesome member: CANW E PLEASE GET BAKC TO THE FACT THAT I JUST OCMMITED A CRIME AND I NEED YOUR MFING HELP

god: IDK WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO  
god: i CAN OFFER MORAL SUPPORT IF YOU WANT??

potential threesome member: nO I NEED YOU TO HIDE THE BODY

god: THE BODY??”PIYF *D^Y*)}DOTHIP

potential threesome member: okay wow i worded that terribly,,,  
potential threesome member: i knocked out this one guy bc he almost caught me and i dunno where to put him

god: SASHA I FUCKING THOUGHT YOU COMMITED MURDER WTF

potential threesome member: nah just arson

bitch boy: i dont see any fire tho 🤨🤨

ocean x reader: turn around eren

bitch boy: oh  
bitch boy: OH

kickassckerman: SASHA YOU

potential threesome member: yeah

caillou kinnie: WAIT WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO EAT NOW??

bitch boy: whoa sasha kinnie confirmed

potential threesome member: anyways who out of everyone in the cadets do we hate the most

john: er*n

bitch boy: j*an

god: were not framing eren bc then i wont be able to bully him and were not framing jean bc watching eren bully him is entertaining 😰😰

sexy: your word is law i guess,,,

bitch boy: wow ymir,, im honored i mean so much to you,,

god: friendship goals 😍😍💕💕

literal angel wtf: nah bc whered their friendship even come from 🤨🤨🤨

john: MARCOOO

bitch boy: homosexual

god: i second that

john: NO HE JUST DOESNT TALK THAT OFTEN

literal angel wtf: can we not talk about john having an obvious crush on me and focus on how ymir and eren became friends just like,, overnight,, like these mfs used to not talk to each other and then one day they suddenly spend all their time together,, 

john: FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME MY NAME IS JEAN  
john: AND WAIT HOLD THE FUCK ON

bitch boy: ymir just likes bullying me id hardly call that a friendship /lh

god: ^ but basically i helped him deal w one of his ‘being gay for armin’ sessions and now he cant live without me bc i am god

bitch boy: the last part isnt true 😕🤝

ocean x reader: but the first part is??

bitch boy: WAIT FUCK

caillou kinnie: oKAY CAN YOU GUYS LIKE,, BACK UP FOR A SECOND BC THE MESS HALL IS STILL ON FIRE

potential threesome member: ^ YEAH I NEED HELP PUTTING THIS OUT BEFORE SHADIS FINISHES UP W HIS SPA DAY

bitch boy: i just had the most vivid image of shadis wearing almost nothing and like two cucumbers over his eyes,,,

god: you typed that out,, looked over it,, and decided it was a good idea to send??

bitch boy: who looks over their tects its not a fujking essay 😰

god: if you looked over your texts you woulnt misspell words that often

bitch boy: ,,, woulnt

god: fuck you that never happened

bitch boy: opening up the docs rn 😍😍

god: EREN NO

potential threesome member: so,, no one wants to help me drag the body outta here before he actually dies??

kickassckerman: how heavy is this mf??

potential threesome member: not that heav y but im carrying a shit ton of potato chips atm so i cant really,,,

bitch boy: okay light yagami

potential threesome member: wait

ocean x reader: shawty drop the potato chips drag this poor kids ass outta there

potential threesome member: no <<3

gaynnie: im coming over to help dont kill him till i get there

potential threesome member: hey @kickassckerman lol where can i join your annie cult

kickassckerman: I DONT HAVE A   
kickassckerman: wait no thats a lie

gaynnie: im not even gonna

kickassckerman: good idea

god: ayo eren make sure to put this in your fucking docs for future reference

bitch boy: sure lol ill add it right next to you misspelling smth 

god: i will actually beat your ass

bitch boy: yeah i dont doubt it

ocean x reader: please dont break him i still kinda need a boyfriend

god: i make no promises

ocean x reader: well

bitch boy: armin if ymir kills me make sure to carry on the legacy of the docs

kickassckerman: eren why

bitch boy: bc

sexy: valid

god: KRISTA NO

sexy: m sorry ymir ily <<3

god: yeah you fucking better

bitch boy: hahah gay

god: eren we fucking established that on the first day  
god: i thought you kept track of everything smh dissapointed

bitch boy: no i already knew,, but youre adding onto the gayitynessosity

god: what.

bitch boy: gayitynessosity

god: add that to urban dictionary i dare you

bitch boy: bet ill do it

colossal dick: YALL WHY THE FUCK IS THE MESS HALL ON FIRE

god: scroll up shawt

colossal dick: ,,,  
colossal dick: sasha,,,

potential threesome member: hey lol

colossal dick: was that by any chance,, reiner,, that you knocked out

potential threesome member: uh no??  
potential threesome member: oH SHIT IT IS

bitch boy: fucking plot twist

gaynnie: SO THATS WHERE REINERS BEEN  
gaynnie: SASHA IM ALMOST THERE PLEASE MAKE SURE REINER DOESNT DIE

kickassckerman: nice to see you taking initiative annie 😍😍

gaynnie: oh my god no

colossal dick: yeah lol dont let reiner die pls thatd be vv problematic

gaynnie: ^

ocean x reader: i feel like i dont know something,,,  
ocean x reader: that frustrates me

bitch boy: i get the feeling you three are hiding smth,,

god: eh i wouldnt worry about it 

bitch boy: curious george kinnie moment

god: im never gonna let you live that one down

bitch boy: hey ymir remember that time you made a spelling mistake when-

god: goddamit eren

bitch boy: snirks

god: snirks,,  
god: fucking snirks  
god: that sounds terrifying

bitch boy: yeah youre right,, would you prefer  
bitch boy: chuckles

god: nah stick w snirks

sexy: or maybe you could just say,, smirks???

bitch boy: too much effort

sexy: right okay

potential threesome member: ANNIE FUCKING FINALLY

caillou kinnie: AM I THE ONLY ONE TERRIFIED THAT THIS ENTIRE PLACE MIGHT BURN DOWN

bitch boy: yeah youre the only one

god: ^

sexy: ^^

john: i hate to chose er*n over you but

gaynnie: okay bet i put it out

kickassckerman: hot

bitch boy: mf that was like 5 minutes

gaynnie: and?

caillou kinnie: you were all surprisingly silent during those five minutes,,

god: i was pming eren trying to figure out who we hate most in the cadets

bitch boy: ^ so far weve got nothing but daz

ocean x reader: that seems reasonable actually

bitch boy: yeah

literal angel wtf: i mean,,, thats fair

john: youre always nice to him tho??

sexy: john stop being gay

john: YOU TOO???’

god: wow krista finally admitting daz is actually an asshole

sexy: he always was i just had a cover to uphold smh

god: thats so hot

reinah: i hate you all /hj

potential threesome member: iM SORRY REINER

reinah: yeah whatever rolls eyes

god: im sorry but the way sasha didnt even realize it was reiner until,,

reinah: feeling: mildly offended 🙄🙄

god: okay t*ri

sexy: god i hated tori

bitch boy: ^ i wouldnt hesitate to beat the shit outta her

god: assuming you could,, weak ass

bitch boy: im literally going through boot camp while this bitch is singing all over the fucking place i think i can take her

god: hm maybe 

bitch boy: okay wow im offended /lh

ocean x reader: ymir stop bullying my boyfriend

sexy: he could (maybe) take t*ri

bitch boy: ill pretend i never saw that maybe

sexy: hm? what maybe? i dont see a maybe?? eren you okay lol?

reinah: can we please talk about how you didnt even notice i was about to be burned alive till bertholdt mentioned it  
reinah: no??  
reinah: okay,,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> annie can set out a fire in five minutes bc i said so end of story


	7. wild kratts lipbite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wild kratts have been in my nightmares for days now im blaming you grey

bitch boy: eren  
kikcassckerman: mikasa  
ocean x reader: armin  
john: jean  
colossal dick: bertholdt  
reinah: reiner  
god: ymir  
sexy: krista  
literal angel wtf: marco  
gaynnie: annie  
potential threesome member: sasha  
caillou kinnie: connie

cadets x war crimes 250K

reinah: HWICH ONE OF YOU IS WATCHING WILD KRATTS??//?

god: WH

gaynnie: is that what theyre watching then

reinah: annie,, you know smth

gaynnie: yeah youre right i do

sexy: bye how can you even tel l its wild kratts

reinah: experience

colossal dick: and why do you have,, experience??

reinah: i legally cannot tell you that

potential threesome member: OH I USED TO WATCH THAT WHEN I WAS YOUNGER

god: i watched like five minutes of it it was kinda shitty 😕😕

sexy: aviva carried the show

potential threesome member: her and kim possible were my bi awakenings

reinah: okay thats nice and all but who is it

god: @bitch boy @ocean x reader @kickassckerman you three have been awfully silent 🤨🤨

kickassckerman: im innocent dont blame me

god: eren and armin date night then

ocean x reader: you and krista watch miraculous ladybug every day stfu

god: yorue not denying

ocean x reader: no fucking shit its me and eren

reinah: for research purposes where exactly are you two rn

ocean x reader: no reiner you cant watch wild kratts w us

reinah: damn srejection

god: why wild kratts of all things

bitch boy: i was scrolling through the chat noir x reader tag then i found a miraculous ladybug and wild kratts crossover and it was kinda good so i made armin watch it w me

sexy: ive got so many questions

bitch boy: naturaly

colossal dick: ,,, send link??

bitch boy: okay asf check pms

colossal dick: 400K WORDS??

bitch boy: the authors still going,, my fucking hero

colossal dick: THE TAGS WTF

bitch boy: ‘gore’ ‘murder’ ‘torture’ ‘furry conventions’

colossal dick: thw way theyre in that order makes it sm better

ocean x reader: eren why do you do this

god: ^ yeah eren elaborate maybe

bitch boy: no thnks

colossal dick: this fic is a fucking rollercoaster of emotions so far

bitch boy: the worst part is despite the,, questionable topics,, its so well written

god: okay now im curious send link

sexy: ^

potential threesome member: ^^

bitch boy: be t i sent it to all of you

reinah: how abt me shawt

bitch boy: not you

reinah: dies dramatically

bitch boy: pisses on your corpse

reinah: reincarnates and beats your ass

bitch boy: blocks your reincarnation

reinah: you cant do that

bitch boy: i just did

colossal dick: dw reiner ill send you the fic bae

reinah: no its okay eren just sent it

god: bye wh

bitch boy: i decided my time on this earth is limitied

john: no shit its limited youre the mf who wants to fucking join the scout regiment

bitch boy: anyways  
bitch boy: i decided to do smth nice so when my time comes ill be worshipped for years

god: imagine not already being worshipped thats kinda embarassing

bitch boy: imagine making spelling mistakes while trying to correct someone elses spelling thats kinda embarassing

god: okay imagine reading omegaverse aus unironically in 5th grade

ocean x reader: im sorry what

bitch boy: oh you wanna fucking go there  
bitch boy: imagine watching 3 am challenges unironically

god: imagine having a dream about furry sex

reinah: what do you two even tell each other,,,

literal angel wtf: no seriously your friendship terrifies me

john: same its becoming concerinng 😰😰

bitch boy: imagine getting high and crying bc you didnt know how to ask someone out and then realizing you were already dating her

sexy: thats no question a true story

bitch boy: ive never told a lie in my life 😕😕

god: you just did

bitch boy: slander 

god: anyways,, imagine not having a big dick

bitch boy: MF I HAVE A BIG DICK

ocean x reader: i mean its pretty big im ngl

god: okay sure but compared to mine its fucking tiny

sexy: ymir you dont have a dick

reinah: yeah youd know all about that

god: im talking about big dick energy

bitch boy: kay yeah thats fair you do give off fucking huge dick energy

potential threesome member: ohh that reminds me of the list i made about how much bde peopel give off

john: send shawty

caillou kinnie: yeaj

potential threesome member:

eren - decent  
mikasa - huge  
armin - above average  
john: small tbh  
bertholdt - colossal  
reiner - slightly under average  
ymir - godly  
krista - average  
marco - big  
annie - pretty big  
sasha - huge obviously rolls eyes  
connie - tiny

bitch boy: yk what ill take it

john: THE SLANDER IS UNREAL

bitch boy: yeah john

caillou kinnie: i thought we had smth sasha 😪😪 /p

potential threesome member: nothing but the truth im sorry

colossal dick: just to clarfiy,, the colossal thing comes from my name on here right??

potential threesome member: uh yeah what else

reinah: ahaha 

gaynnie: sighs

god: see i told you mfs,, i have the biggest bde

sexy: honestly sasha thats accurate

potential threesome member: it really is lipbite

john: eren this is your fault

bitch boy: i mean ill take it but how

john: ‘john’

bitch boy: yeah john we know your name already smh

kickassckerman: @gaynnie see i have bde and so do you maybe we should like hook up thatd be couple goals

god: oh my god youre hopeless

gaynnie: absolutely not no

kickassckerman: eh i tried

john: second hand embarassment go brrr

sexy: mikasa,, try harder next time

bitch boy: i mean hteyre still couple goals idc

god: okay eren being supportive thats a big step

bitch boy: okay bakah 💕💕💕💕💕😍😍😍😍😍 uwu senpai 😩😩💝💝💝 

caillou kinnie: okay mikasa kinnie

kickasckerman: oh i thought you guys forgot about that

god: we’ll never forget

ocean x reader: eren wtf

bitch boy: n-nani?? senpai noticed me 💖💖💖💖😍😍😍😍

john: ayo wtf

bitch boy: grrrr stay away baka 😡😡😡

sexy: im gonna,, go

ocean x reader: yeah lets just let eren have his moment

bitch boy: NO SENPAI DONT LEAVE ME 😭😭😭😭😡😡😡😡😪😪

bitch boy: SENPAI???  
bitch boy: okay im good now  
bitch boy: ffine then ill just watch wild kratts without you all

reinah: wait no im here

bitch boy: too fucking late

reinah: wait no

bitch boy: turns on wild kratts

reinah: WAIT FOR ME EREN

ocean x reader: ME TOO THE LAST EPISODE ENDED SO WELL PLEASE

bitch boy: locks door and watches it sexily

ocean x reader: literally fuck you

bitch boy: do it yourself

ocean x reader: unlock the door then

bitch boy: ugh fine 🙄🙄

god: ,,, couple goals

sexy: ymir no

**Author's Note:**

> aot chatfic bc why tf not


End file.
